10.07.2009

taking care of business

I'm pretty quick with my number 2's. I get in, flip on the bathroom vent, do my business, wash my hands, and get out. I don't dilly-dally.

But guys are supposed to do the exact opposite, says society. The bathroom is man's sacred kingdom, and the toilet is his throne. Lesser kingdoms have risen and fallen in the amount of time one man spends sitting on his throne reading box scores and fantasizing about his fantasy football team, or whatever. Some might say I'm not quite a man, but, while I may not be the most interesting man in the world, I know that my short bathroom visits are simply a product of healthy bowels.

However, while at the office on a work day, my normal bathroom habits are thrown out the window. The bathroom becomes much more than that place I do my business, it becomes a shrine of tranquility - a seat of solitude - a room of rest. Quite literally, a restroom. Normally, I'll catch up on my reading of the 1973 book, Modern Carpentry, or flip indifferently through a 3 year-old issue of OK! Magazine, or I'll just stare blankly at the wall in front of me. I have grown quite fond those few minutes of peace and quiet, without the ominous glow of my computer screen invading my optical nerves, and without the constant stream of emails and phone calls. The bathroom is the only place I can sit and not do any work - or any pretend-work. My boss can't look over my shoulder and scrutinize what I'm doing on the pot. In there, I am free to be myself.

And today, I took that to a whole new level.

This afternoon, while seated on the throne, with my chin resting in my palm, I fell asleep. It only lasted about 5 minutes, but it was just what I needed. And when I awoke, not only did I feel refreshed, but I had taken care of business - like a man.

3 comments:

jamesthesealion said...

wow..., Ben, you're my hero

max. said...

you just summed up pretty much everything a modern man needs in a bathroom experience.

Gregg said...

you took a dump while asleep?!?!?!?! Incredible!