6.30.2009

Area dog licks crotch for seven consecutive minutes

inspired by the hard-hitting news of The Onion...

NASHVILLE, TN -- After waking his owner by pouncing playfully on his chest at 6:43 a.m., Huckleberry Hound, a 25 pound beagle/bluetick hound mix, meticulously licked his crotchal region; a procedure which spanned a period of 7 minutes and 38 seconds. His previous record of 6 minutes and 12 seconds was effectively shattered, and the new record will likely go down as the most enduring chain of tongue strokes to the pelvic girdle in canine history.

"What an honor to be acknowledged," Huckleberry said between several self-congratulating licks to his lower torso. "I'm just glad my hourly routine has finally gained the positive attention it deserves."

After gaining notoriety for his infamous fondle sessions in October of 2008, Huckleberry has quickly cultivated a unique sense of oral dexterity under the tutelage of acclaimed tongue-acrobat, Eli Blomberg.

"He taught me everything I know," Huckleberry said before guiding his nose along his almost hairless abdomen, scouting an ideal spot for one final series of licks before breakfast. "Eli taught me what it means to sacrifice social graces - even common courtesy and dignity - to achieve a flawless combination of strokes."

Moments after his owner had unwillingly stumbled out of bed to let Huckleberry relieve himself, the crotch licking champion was seen whizzing on the concrete sidewalk, a practice invariably creating a large pool of urine surrounding the front two paws, which will then tread the smelly, yellow liquid all the way up the carpeted stairs and onto his owner's white bed sheets.

7 comments:

Will Rucker said...

Haha. I appreciate this. I'm very fond of that October. He's come a long way.

p.s. I just watched "The Virgin Suicides" and it's pretty great. If you haven't seen it, maybe we could watch it this weekend.

Ethan said...

hahaha this is awesome

lizkirk said...

this actually made my eyes water a little bit from all the laughter...way to go. this is hilarious

grantly said...

mmm. You gotta love the sound of the licking as well...and the peeing on the sidewalk, standing in his own urine - that was the cherry on top.

B said...

you could write for the onion.

max. said...

you ARE an onion.

max. said...

onions have layers.