what would jesus do anyway?

you're hesitating arent you?
its ok, im really just doing this for myself.
but is that selfish? maybe.

sometimes i think im losing my mind, but then i realize i just left it at home. and on purpose. is that weird? is weird a bad thing? in who's opinion? should i care? why?

ok, seriously though - right now i am not in school. i am working and saving up money in order to take my brother and myself on an all over the country road trip this summer (and its actually gonna happen). and i really want to make a movie of it (which may or may not happen). and during this break from school i find myself wondering more and more if it really is just a break or if it is a strange goodbye. i really dont want to go back to school, and that is mainly because i have no idea what i want to study anymore. i mean, i could finish up with advertising (which i never feel like i actually started). or i could extend this "break" into next year and hesitate/stall/remain static. or i could do something else that may require more of me than school ever has. school only ever got half my ass. sorry school.

there are a lot of things i want in life, and there are a lot of things i want from myself. and im getting tired of the logic of american culture getting in the way. i need money and nice things to be successful, right? and i need to be clean shaven and tucked in to keep a job, right? now i realize that i have written about similar things before, perhaps the exact same thing, but this is an ever-changing thought process that i am going through here, so bear with me.

i dont think its a bad thing to want a nice life. things are cool. comfort. television. food. yea, those can all be fantastic. nothing inherently wrong with them. its just that im pretty much sick of it all, and not in a depressing, hateful sense (ive been through that already), but in a liberating, longing sense. i long for more. God, i know there is more to life than having a job just to create comfort for myself. and thats what i feel like ive been doing for so long, and now that i dont want to strive for comfort anymore, im having a hard time figuring out how to strive for.....more.

i want to see things that most people dont get a chance to. i want to create something that only i could create, and i want others to enjoy/benefit from it. i want to be uncomfortable. i want to give others all the shit that i have and dont need. i want to be able to hear the movement of everything. i dont want to be ignorant. i want to love someone in just the way they want to be loved. i want to be a servant. i want to learn. i want to teach. and i want to be broken enough to always turn to the provider of all and the lover of all.

how can i start doing these things now? i guess i can start by getting up out of my comfortable bed and laying on a mexican blanket under the stars. i think thats what Jesus would have done anyway.

No comments: