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gleaming technology on top of age-old pages
resting, waiting for numerous uses
but not today
a friend, maybe, but a selfish one ringing
caring less and less about you
more what you say
breathe on it hard enough to reveal salinas
and its rich lands of story
geese on a grave
traveling on mind's long, dusty highway
when eyelids' wills weaken
this world won't stay
someone drinks your gaze
impossibly delicate
finding that it stays
long enough to swallow it
sleep starting to dream
steady rising crescendo
waking up to see
bob dylan in the window
palm under your chin
red hair wanders with the sun
handsome teethy grin
i'll miss you when the week is done
There really is something about driving at night. It stirs up so much thought and emotion that you wonder if it ever would have surfaced had you not hit the road after midnight. There is nothing to look at except for the dark highway, and there is nothing to fill your head except for the spinning thoughts set in motion by the moonlit sky whizzing past your car as it cuts into the silence of the night. Oh, and the music, of course. The music is key. Not only does it make these thoughts spin even faster, but it actually gives a landscape on which to build and whisper dreams. An early A.M. highway accompanied by unforgivingly good music will always loose the anchor in my mind.
Last night, as I drove back from Florida with my mom and brother, I was able to be alone with the highway and the music for a while. With my mom asleep and my brother likely lost in his own thoughts, I was left to the will of my favorite night driving song, “Svo Hljott” by Sigur Ros. I have become aware that this song has a sort of magical quality, as I can still recall the first time I heard it and the emotions it excited within me. Last night was no different.
I have been thinking a lot lately about pain and sadness. As I have spent most of the past several months hovering over that side of the emotional spectrum, I began wondering if these emotions are more vivid than any other. I literally felt like nothing else was real. Any joy I could have had didn’t feel sincere, so I would wander back toward depression and sadness to feel something “real” again. And up until last night, I still wondered if pain was a more vivid feeling than joy. That is until I remembered the heartache that I felt the first time I heard Svo Hljott. I felt it again last night. I don’t know if I could explain it well enough to give it justice, but I think most people know the feeling. Different things cause it for different people. It could be the sound of a song, or the smell of a storm, or the thrill of a road trip, or the touch of a woman. It is an aching deep in the soul, a longing for something when you’re not even sure what it is...or why it is. It is painful. It is something so beautiful that it hurts.
I have come to realize that this pain does not have to be a saddening or depressing pain, but it can be a longing, a restlessness, or a motivation. God uses beauty to stir desire in us. A desire to be what He is calling us to be. And it pains us to see beauty because our sinful nature hinders us from being fully beautiful. When we witness perfection, or anything close to it, we see what we are called to, and it hurts to realize that we will be there someday, but not today.
Now, my problem was not that I stopped experiencing beauty - that’s impossible. If you ever think you aren’t experiencing beauty, just open your eyes. I definitely experienced beauty, I was simply reacting to it the wrong way. When I saw a sunset, or heard a lovely song, or witnessed a person living beautifully, I was pained because I felt like I would never be that sublime. Instead of seeing these things as motivation or as God himself, I saw it as a shortcoming I had. I saw it as a weakness in myself. Instead of eating the world, I was letting it eat me. I was letting gorgeous songs rip out my heart, and beautiful girls tell me I was worthless. All the while, I was being shown what I could be, what I wanted to be, and what I will be.
Pain is still very mysterious to me. There is something about it that cuts straight to the center of my being and opens my eyes to things I would have never seen without it. Things that spin around inside my head waiting for a dark, windswept highway to blow them out into the night air.
i pull against the seam with my archaic murmurs
using flesh to my advantage
when i see the lustrous soldiers
i cower
but not before pulling out all the stops
and taking the organ to its full volume
a roar so loud
minds are like silly-putty in my taloned grip
and desires are tweaked by my manipulative gaze
alas!
i am generally vanquished
bearing a golden wound
the weapon of choice is seen in other realms
merely felt in 3D
but its dimensions are immeasurable
i can only watch it take effect
under my dying breath i steal a gasp
of air so sweet and dripping that i catch it on my tongue
thicker than sap
the last thing my infinite eye sees
is the union of skin as it submerges
below a threadcount numerous
lovely
weeping
sweat
could i be silent if the end were near?
when the sea bottom rumbles and the skies collide with treetops, would i care to speak? no, my heart could not search for the words to say, and i would reason myself into quiet mystery.
but my timing is off and my tongue is tied, and the truth brings with it more time. and to someone like me, time is only more bearable than life. i am just wind through a traffic jam - a fleeting breeze on which to catch a glimpse, and if you breathed me long it might start to make sense.
because i am on my way to the beautiful lie, more than white. hold on when you grab the anti-gravity - it feels like sleeping with nothing under you but the warm. i invited you, remember? remember how you felt? well, maybe it was fake. or maybe it was just a wish, but nothing beyond. traveling in a stream of disregard.
but i dont care really. if i can bear life, i can bear time. i know it will be worth it when a wish is replaced with eternity, when my breeze gives way to his, and when someone else catches that drift with me.
seal it up,
send it off,
forget everything you've ever
remembered.
modern memories,
mistaken feelings,
and treasure.
submarine them to safety
in the dark reaches of mind's
moon.
where colonies of space pirates will one day find
a romantic silhouette
in the powdery real estate.
turn off the neon in your sign,
drizzle glue inside your heart.
maybe things will stick again.
(sigh) ...again.
alone behind your eyes she'll be,
the wonder of her
veracity.
safely behind your back she'll stand,
untouched by your tragic hands.
tonight's air is thick with anticipation.
i cut it with my nerves
and the tectonic movements
of my chest's sweet pleasure new.
a shiver snakes and quivers up from tyne
into my bated breath
and sends my white teeth whispering
their chalky chattered cue.
as i arrive, i see you in the doorway,
a soft and skinless light
slowly coming towards me
in unseen heaven's hue.
i spend most of our time together melting
under blushing heat
lovely enough to last all night,
but i take you home instead.
thoughts, like bugs, are creeping on the dashboard,
moving in the wind.
though you are gone, i feel your love
graze beautifully in my head.
the light is streaming sunny through my window,
yellow dancing dust.
i never would have dreamt of you
without its sleepy singing bed.
the world weighs a ton when you ask why.
too many unanswered questions spinning away purpose.
suddenly the weight is lifted.
lifting, easing, floating, looming, mocking.
the vacancy it leaves is worse.
now love is just a dream,
and hopes are only wishes.
becoming desperate for a clout,
you search for a fist to eat.
bruised and homeward bound,
its all here waiting.
the weight stole your sight, dont you see?
it never really left, it was just being held up
by the answer,
the purpose.
