depressed roommate hitting the N64 pretty hard

Once again, inspired by the Onion...

NASHVILLE, TN -- Local graduate student Joseph Steiner has recently noticed his roommate spending the majority of his waking hours playing N64 in a frozen-pizza-fueled haze of depression and detachment.

"Some days I'll leave for class early in the morning, and I'll hear gun shots coming from his room," Steiner said. "Then when I get back later that afternoon he's fixing a microwave burrito. Usually I'll try to ask him how his day was, but he just acts like he's in a rush and says he can't talk because he has a Perfect Dark mission on pause."

Steiner's roommate has been known to enjoy a little multi-player action from time to time with his friends, but since December 19th of last year, he has logged 289 hours of solo play time with his beloved console, which will likely go down as one of the most deplorable records in the history of gaming.

While the sadness of his situation is clearly apparent, it has not come without its share of relative excitement. He has incredibly recovered all 100 Gold Skulltulas in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time without using "one of those stupid walkthroughs." He has also set new time trials records on every Mario Kart 64 course except for Bowser's Castle, though he claims he will beat his old time within a few days as long as "those stupid blue block dudes will quit being so gay."

He also seemed to question the sexuality of the joystick on his yellow controller.

"It is pretty annoying that the closest thing to a conversation we've had in the past month has been an apathetic explanation of how to recover Biggoron's Sword in Zelda," Steiner confesses. "Really, the only time he hasn't seemed utterly miserable was after a trip to McKay's Used Books where he found a used copy of some lame snowboarding game. He seemed pumped about a Dion Blaster or something."

The source of his crippling depression remains unknown, but Steiner says it might have something to do with his steady diet of Totino's Pizza Rolls and the death of his pet hampster, Mr. Bojangles.

Berry on the porch

plain are the lips that catch the tears
that run from her eyes for her tongue to savor.
she tucks her boys in after all these years,
southern oak leaves now their delicate covers.

the evening before they read Berry aloud
in a swing on the porch till the dusklight subdued,
but tonight they lie shiv'ring in their cradle of ground,
any feeling of hope she solemnly eschews.

so much so that she joins them in the dust and the earth
and crawls under her blanket of southern oak leaves,
she's closing her eyes on the faces she birthed-
the keen sword of grief, quietly sheathed.

a real new year's resolution

Actually taking the commands in this poem and giving them the power of a resolution is slightly terrifying. I imagine that is exactly as it should be. These words seem to be carved deep out of the same stuff that is at the core of my identity as an American, a man, and a child of God.

May God give me the strength in 2010 to dig down deep into the stuff, scoop it out, mold it, throw it in the fire, and pull out the forged stone and display it as my Ebenezer.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
--by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

perdidos

A trailer for LOST season 6 that aired in Spain, complete with subtitles:

Favorite Albums of 2009

So, 2009. You know, I didn't get "out there" as much this year as I have in the past. From June 25th on, I basically only listened to Michael Jackson. And before that, I was stuck on an island with only a few albums that Audrey had mailed me (one of which made this list). And on top of all that, I lost a bet, which prevented me from listening to any bands from Versailles whose name starts with "Phoeni-." Okay, not really.

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20. mountain goats - the life of the world to come

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19. mos def - the ecstatic

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18. smith westerns - dye it blonde

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17. girls - album

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16. st. vincent - actor

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15. shabazz palaces - shabazz palaces / of light

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14. local natives - gorilla manor

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13. vetiver - tight knit

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12. megafaun – gather, form & fly

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11. bonnie 'prince' billy - beware

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10. the dead weather - horehound

This was a weird pick for me, because I didn't exactly fall in love with it. To be honest, I didn't really fall in love with very many releases this year - at least not as many as I usually do. However, I did love screaming "M-A-N-I-P-U-LATE!" at the top of my lungs while driving past Third Man Records on my way home from a frustrating day at work this fall. That alone is enough for this to crack my top ten. If I wasn't currently involved in a 7-year-long torrid love affair with Ryan Adams, I would say Jack White is the man of the decade, musically speaking.
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9. grizzly bear - veckatimest

Absolutely gorgeous and complex, but I still find myself pining for Yellow House. I'm thinking I desperately need to see these songs performed live to gain full appreciation.
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8. neko case - middle cyclone

This was the record that Audrey mailed me in St. Croix. I fell asleep to it almost every night there. It was one of those releases that really gave me a greater appreciation for the artist. I went back and revisited Blacklisted and Fox Confessor so much that I may have actually played them more than this one over the past year.
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7. port o'brien - threadbare

The guy and girl that form Port O'Brien don't actually do music full-time. He spends his summers on a fishing boat off the coast of Alaska. And she spends her summers working in a bakery in a tiny port town in Larsen Bay (very close to Port O'Brien, Alaska). I thought that was a good enough reason to check it out. Listen to the track "My Will is Good."
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6. bill callahan - sometimes i wish we were an eagle

This gets my vote for the most beautiful release of the year. This is another one that I spent a good part of the year falling asleep to. I have always been a sucker for guys with bass-y vocals (think Stephen Merritt, Jens Lekman, or Will Oldham). They all lull me in the best way.
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5. devendra banhart - what will we be

This one is definitely still growing on me, and its already at number five. I think this might be his best.
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4. passion pit - manners

A blurb from Wade Holmes that can't be beat: "The song 'Little Secrets', or 'The Sunny Day Playground Jump Rope Song' as I like to call it, is a three minute and fifty-eight second summer day party, complete with frozen Jumbo Jet Star Pops from the Ice Cream Man and chalk drawn games of Tic-Tac-Toe displayed on the sidewalk. So, throw on some S.P.F. 45, hop on your bike and call all the kids in the neighborhood… because there’s a party going down and you’re all invited."
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3. the pains of being pure at heart - the pains of being pure at heart

This is what I like to imagine I would have been a fan of if I had been a teenager in the late 80's/early 90's. That shoe-gaze fuzz gets me every time. And when it is coupled with pop perfection - look out. For my heart beating out of my chest. Because I love it.
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2. joshua james - build me this

This came out of nowhere. Well, Utah isn't exactly nowhere. But I had never even heard of this guy until one day when I was browsing in Grimey's and the cover jumped out at me. Apparently enough for me to slap down some cash and take it home. I would have never discovered Joshua James if it weren't for the good old brick & mortar. Internet, you let me down on this one.
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1. dirty projectors - bitte orca

I listened to this on a sunny day in June on a long drive down the Natchez Trace Parkway, and it clicked SO hard. And I haven't stopped playing it since. This was the easiest number one pick for me in a long time.
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